Think of negotiation like a mutual agreement: you’re both sharing what you want, what you don’t want, and what’s needed to make the scene successful. It’s a conversation, not a contract—but a really important one.
🪜 Step-by-Step Guide:
1. Start With Intentions
Ask and answer:
- “Are we doing a full scene or just trying something small?”
- “Are you looking for a sensual experience, intense play, something emotional, something fun?”
Tip: Be honest about your experience level and your current headspace.
2. Talk About Activities
Go over what you’re interested in doing and what’s off the table:
- What kinds of play are you excited about? (e.g., rope, spanking, flogging, power exchange)
- What’s a hard limit for you? (e.g., face slapping, name-calling, sexual contact)
- What are your soft limits or “maybe with the right person” items?
Using a BDSM checklist can be super helpful here!
3. Cover the Physical Details
These are things people often forget but that really matter:
- Are there any injuries, health issues, or medications the other person should know about?
- Do you bruise easily? Any no-touch zones?
- What are your clothing, comfort, or positioning needs?
4. Consent & Communication
Set up your safe word system:
- Use a common one (like red/yellow/green) or choose your own.
- For non-verbal scenes (gags, rope, subspace), agree on nonverbal cues like tapping out or hand signals.
- Decide: Will we check in during the scene? Some people prefer “quiet” scenes, others like check-ins.
5. Discuss Aftercare
- What do you need after the scene? (Water? Silence? Cuddles? Space?)
- Who provides that? (The top? A friend? Yourself?)
- How long does it usually take for you to come down?
Also: talk about how you want to reconnect later—texts, debriefs, or just “see you next time.”
6. Define the Boundaries
- Is this just play, or is there sexual contact or D/s dynamic involved?
- Are there any words, behaviors, or emotional triggers to avoid?
- Is photography okay? (It’s usually a no unless specifically agreed on.)
7. Check for Enthusiasm
Make sure you’re both genuinely into the scene:
- “Are you still feeling good about this?”
- “Anything you want to change before we start?”
If anyone is uncertain, pause or postpone. No one should feel pressured.
🧠 Final Tips:
- Don’t skip negotiation, even if you know each other.
- You can negotiate in private, at a party, or via messages before an event.
- Negotiation shouldn’t feel like a test—it’s about building connection and safety.
- If you don’t know how to negotiate yet, watch others, ask mentors, or practice with a checklist.